Christian Imposter Syndrome

It's interesting to think about what I think of myself versus what others think of me.

I remember hearing, growing up, that the older you get, the more you realize what a sinner you are (we're talking about Christians only), and, I'm not sure I really believed it. I think I thought that as you get older and become more sanctified, your sin won't bother you as much...or something?

But I'm realizing how true it is that, at least for me, the older I get, the more I notice my sin. And I think part of it has to do with having more responsibilities as an adult too - there are more areas in which I have the opportunity to fail.

So I kind of feel constantly on-edge a little bit, and I notice my failings everywhere I turn. I have a pretty negative view of myself, because, after all, I see my sin more clearly than anyone else does other than God. And that helps to keep me humble, which is a good thing.

But at the same time, I think I have a pretty good, positive view of myself, maybe more-so than most people have of themselves? But I do notice my flaws more than other people notice them in me I think, which means that, where I see myself as a wretch in need of God's mercy, I think a lot of people in my life see me as a godly, mature, hard-working, good-role-model-for-the-kids young woman, and that's just a weird dynamic to think about.

I know that God is working in my life and my heart and those things are generally true, but at the same time, I know that in my heart, I am not godly most of the time and I'm actually incredibly immature (though I may refrain sometimes from expressing it), and I know that I am so often lazy, and boy, if everyone knew the thoughts I think on the daily and even the things I dream about at night, they would not think I'm a good role model.

I know this is just the experience of a Christian who is being sanctified, but since I see so many of my sins on the inside and I know I'm an absolute wretch, but other people don't see it so much, it makes me get imposter syndrome about my Christian life. Like, it makes me feel like a faker at being a Christian or, at least at being a "good Christian"?

I know, without a doubt, when I'm alone with God, that I am a Christian, that He saved me, that my sins are forgiven because of what Jesus did on that cross for me, that Jesus is truly God and truly man and that He was the perfect example for us during His earthly life, that God is with me and for me and goes before me...I know that He loves me and I love Him!

But around other people who see my life and think what a good Christian I am, I feel like a faker because I know that I don't love God as well or as much as other people might think I do.