On Being 23

No, this isn't a birthday post.  It's just a collection of thoughts surrounding the season of life in which I find myself.

I'm a 23-year-old woman.  As a kid, even though I loved being a kid, I also always looked forward to being an adult, and for the most part, I'm still enjoying it!  I love the independence, the ability to spend my time as I like, go where I want to go, forge my own path.  I love having the ability, because of my "grown-up job," to give money to many more causes/people/organizations than I could as a teenager.  I love being the one in charge (to a degree) of how I live my life.  I even love all the responsibility that being an adult entails.

As a kid, I always expected I'd get married one day, and I assumed it'd happen by the time I was 23, because that seemed pretty old.  Even now, 23 seems kind of old!  And since I always looked forward to being an adult, I don't mind that it seems old.  I'm living my dream!

I'm not, however, living the part of my dream where I assumed I'd be married by now, and even though 23 does seem old, I am under no faulty impression that I'm running out of time.

Yet, I am aware that I am actually, crazily, getting to be on the older side of the age-group of the majority of people who are getting married.  Just the other day, someone I grew up with, my neighbor/brother/friend, who is two years my junior, got engaged.  The same day I found out about that, I went to an engagement party for two of my co-workers who are marrying each other, one of whom is three years my junior.  My little sister who is four years my junior is dating someone.

It is definitely a weird phenomenon, but like...not THAT weird.  Sure, I assumed I'd be married by now, but only because that just seemed like the normal way of things, not because I intently planned on being married by now.  It doesn't bother me that my friends and my younger siblings are delving into a world [of dating/marriage] that I have hardly touched.  It may bother me sometimes that I have not yet had the opportunity to delve into that world myself, but the fact that they are doing it basically before I have does not bother me.

Being the ambitious person I am, I have a habit of always seeking after the next thing.  I am always thinking about the future.  Almost before the next thing comes, I am thinking about the next thing after that.  I'm goal-oriented, a go-getter, and driven by a desire for productivity in every area of life.

This is one thing I love about myself, about the way God made my personality.  However it has its downsides.  It can be difficult for me to be content right where God has me, because I am always thinking about the next thing.  I love having goals and an idea of where I'm headed in life, and I really do think it's a good quality in general, but it tends to have the side effect of discontentment.

Twenty-three is great.  I have a big-girl job, I live several hours from my family (that part is sad, but the point is: independence), I pay rent (not much, but still), I buy groceries, I make meals (sometimes...), I deal with my own car problems.  In many ways, I'm living the life of an adult that I dreamed of as a kid.

But in some other ways, I'm not living the adult life as much as I'd like to.  The main thing I'm referring to is that I don't live alone or with a roommate but instead with an older couple (hence the cheap rent, for which I'm grateful), who also feed me dinner (when I'm home for dinner) and generally are pretty parent-y.  It's a really good situation, and it won't even last that long, but I still find myself longing to be out on my own more, without the restraints that accompany living in someone else's home.

I so want to soak up this amazing time of my life while I have the opportunity, and yet I also find myself anxious to move out on my own, to start dating someone, to get into whatever is the next season of my life!

Funnily enough, I usually don't think of myself as an anxious person.  (My best friend would laugh out loud at that.)  I have bouts of anxiety on many occasions, but usually, I think, I'm a very happy person.  But in truth, battling both anxiety and discontentment are pretty regular occurrences for me.

Last night and tonight are examples of the name of this blog being all too accurate.  Up until this point in this post, I have just been typing on my phone the thoughts that come to me, not having written them down before, and classically, it is past the time I should be going to bed (mourn).  The rest of this post will consist of the words I wrote privately in my journal last night - also when I should have been going to sleep.

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It really is amazing, knowing as much as I do about God and His sovereignty and how much he cares for me and always provides for all my needs, it's amazing that I ever get anxious!  And yet here I am.

I get so anxious about things especially related to romance.  I get anxious at the thought of having to wait years and years longer to get married, and I get anxious at the thought of settling down with someone soon, and I get so anxious at the thought of dating someone and it not working out.

What am I afraid of?  What am I not trusting God in?  Even if I date someone and it doesn't work out, even if I get married fairly soon and have to give up my precious singleness, even if I don't get married till I'm 40...God is working through it all to conform me more to Christ, to grow me, to make me trust him more!  There is no "lose" with God!  He has it all under control!

O Lord, my Father!  Forgive me for trusting in my own ways!  YOU are the Lord of my heart!  Whether I get married or not!  What have I to fear?!

Lord, make me more like Christ, and help me to love you more.  Lord, You hold all things in Your hand, even my love life. Please help me to release my death-grip on my wants and release them to you.

Lord, I feel almost a physical anxiety in my chest, thinking about these things. I need your help, your Holy Spirit.

In every area of life, Lord, I want to be someone who does not insist on my own way, but instead someone who trusts in Your plan for my life, who does not give in to fear and does unwise things because I don't see things happening as I would like them to.

Lord, I pray for the heart of Christ.  He trusted You, His Father, in the most tense of times.  He did not insist on His own way.  He surrendered His human will to Your divine will, not even letting out a whisper of complaint.  I want to be like Jesus.  Lord, help me.  Thank you for being my faithful Father, friend, and provider.